Who…Us?!

My husband Leo and I have two children and in 2025 we found out we were expecting again! We were excited and thankful, but I grow more anxious than nauseous in pregnancy. There was much fear and prayer in the beginning. We made it to the first ultrasound visit at 10 weeks to see if everything was okay with the baby.

Leo came with me. We waited until my name was called and I got comfortable in the dark ultrasound room. Leo said, “We just wanna make sure we didn’t hit the jackpot and get two or something!” The tech quietly scanned for a minute. What she said next both calmed anxieties and ignited new ones. Breaking the silence she said, “I’m not even kidding… I see two babies.”

The first emotion was one of total shock mixed with joy. I heard the words the tech said, but they brushed over the top of me looking for someone to land on. What do you mean there’s two? Like…twins?! No, no…other people have twins. We don’t have twins! The shocked joy hasn’t worn off.

Nobody panic! This is fine! Everything. Is fine.

“Fine”

Identical twin girls–a double blessing! It’s a less common type of twin pregnancy (~20% of twins) and there have been scares along the way. I’ve had 31 appointments and many ultrasounds. It’s been a busy year! Twins don’t run in either of our families so it’s a huge surprise to everyone. So much excitement has surrounded this pregnancy.

But the anxiety came as I wondered how our day-to-day lives were about to look:
I’ll have two babies to feed.
Two babies up at different times of the night.
Two babies needing to be held–I’ve never picked up a tiny newborn while holding a tiny newborn!
And there’s my other two at home. Where will we put everybody?
What happens when all four need me at the same time?
How will the finances work out?
And how do I take 4 very small daughters to the grocery store… or anywhere?

“It’s going to be fine, you’ll figure it out!” became a common sentiment from others and even ourselves.

When It’s Not Fine

Is it going to be fine, though? How am I going to do this?

Fear. Doubt. Overwhelm.
We bought a van.

Pause. Children are worth it. They are an inheritance and a blessing and our two have brought us so much joy, love, and purpose. And we’re genuinely grateful and so excited for two more. I really mean that.

This being true, any postpartum parent will tell you there are plenty of times we are not fine.

Here’s a very real scenario:

It’s 3:00am and you haven’t slept yet because the overtired baby won’t sleep or eat. Instead, she’s choosing violence. Laying her down makes the crying worse, but holding her is only a little better. Did she dirty the diaper again? Hungry? Reflux? Just a regular baby? Deathly ill? You google ‘can a baby pass out from crying so much.’ It’s incredibly triggering. You’re frustrated, defeated, tired. You want to quit and go to bed but you literally can’t. You are in this (and this time there’s two).

“You’ll be fine–you’re gonna do so great” cannot support this moment. It’s not a fact. This doesn’t feel fine. And what if we’re kinda not doing great? Where do we turn now? Because if our hope in this season hinges on our efforts or appearance of doing great, this is gonna be rough. By myself, I am quite weak. 

We need something, or Someone, stronger. 

True Hope: Fine Deep Down

So what hope do we have in the middle of that long night (figurative or literal)? It’s got to be rooted in something actually true. Something unchangeable. Something so solid you can’t argue it. I think it can be found in two things: in God and His purpose for us:

• All throughout the Bible, we get descriptions of God’s character. It highlights His love, justice, grace, perfection, wrath, power, truth, faithfulness, awesomeness, deep care for His own, sovereignty (and more). He loves me, sees me, and will stay with me. Nothing takes Him by surprise–He’s got this. And He’s bigger than these moments. Zoom out from myself, zoom in on Him.

• God made us to glorify Him as He makes us look more like Jesus Christ (Isaiah 43:6-7). God digs out our selfishness and sin, and produces good fruit in us as we abide in Him. The point is not for a happy, fun, easy, “everything’s fine” life. Though there are many moments of great joy, they are blessings not entitlements. We should not be surprised at the hard–the world is very broken. We should be thankful for the good. 

The Bible is clear that following God’s way actually brings a more profound joy, peace, and meaning to life than living for ourselves and on our impulses. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). And I can attest to that. God can use really hard seasons to grow us and change us to look more like Jesus. I think He especially uses those seasons. 

Apply It

In His Word, God tells us that we will have trials (John 16:33) but we shouldn’t be surprised at them (1 Peter 4:12). So I’m expecting to be faced with challenges.

God has promises for us as we go through life. That He will finish the good work He started in us (Philippians 1:6). That we are being transformed to look more like Jesus as we look to Him (Romans 8:29). That as we abide in Him, He will produce good fruit in us. No abiding–no fruit (John 15:4). So I’m expecting that He’ll be up to something in these coming months of chaos and joy. I’ll have choices between practicing holiness as I trust Him or practicing sin. He’s going to have to chisel away at my tendencies of despair, self-pity and self-centeredness so that I reflect His character instead.

How can I honor God in this time? That’s the type of question we should consider more than the anxious ones that don’t need, or even have, an answer.

I’ll have many opportunities to practice peace, patience, and putting others before myself with two babies who need me a lot. They’re going to put me to the test! He’ll be right there with me giving me what I need in those pivotal moments.

I think this can hold me up at 3:00am. 

I just finished reading a book yesterday. On one of the last pages, the author wrote this: “Instead of acknowledging them as from God, we tend to view adversities as chance occurrences… as something to be endured and passed through as quickly as possible. We do not seek God’s purpose in the discipline. Instead we focus entirely on finding a way of relief” (Bridges, The Discipline of Grace, p. 229). He then encourages us to be open to what God wants to teach us and to pray when we are in a hard time.

Romans 12:1-2 says, “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

This next season is not about toughing it out, seeking praise for how “great” we’re doing, or how quickly we can bounce back. 

This will be about holding fast to God, obeying and abiding in Him, just like before. And trusting that He’s doing something in us for His own glory. He is with us and He is doing something good. He loves us! He won’t leave us! He will accomplish His purposes!

If you’ve dedicated your life to Christ–believing in Him, repenting of your sin, surrendering yourself to God and His ways–this hope is for you, too. You are His child and He is committed to you. And if you haven’t, you can right now. 

Rest 

The song “Christ Is Mine Forevermore” (written by Jonny Robinson & Rich Thompson) has been on my mind a lot lately. Here are some lines:

And another song “Near the Cross” (written by Fanny Crosby) encourages me that life is hard, but it’s also short. We are called and equipped to honor, love, and obey God in every season. Heaven will be our rest from wading through hardship.

With the wavering nature of this season to come, I will need these reminders often.

The pregnancy is wrapping up and I’m grateful for each week we’ve made it. And now you know why I haven’t posted much this year!

On to a new kind of crazy time, coming soon.
But one thing I know for sure: With God, I’m going to be fine.